the struggle: my bad

Hey y’all! Let’s get right to it, shall we? I haven’t blogged in awhile and you want to know why? Depression. It hit me like a ton of bricks awhile back. I was essentially just feeling down and the feeling really never went away. I kept wanting to write it out, but the feeling wouldn’t let me. It’s tough.

It makes me unproductive and my sadness goes through phases. There’ll be a little feeling of sadness that’s not too bad and then I could look in the mirror and see this awful acne that’s determined to ruin my grown person life and break down. The hardest, ugliest cry hit me over it one night while I was getting ready for bed.

Then anxiety and the depression decide to tag team and I’m crying myself to sleep because life thoughts are the worst. You’re not supposed to compare your life and what you’re going through to anyone else’s, but not when D&A team up. It just really sucks. I hate it. My doctor referred me to a therapist, but of course my insurance won’t exactly cover it. I was supposed to call, but work/procrastination/these feelings all got in the way.

I have to talk to someone and I hope to not need meds. Meds are the worst. I remember being on Paxil as a teenager and there were no good thoughts–especially when you miss a day or are trying to get off. The sickness was overwhelming. I don’t want meds, but they’re a thing that might help.

I don’t want to think about that. I wanted to get this off my chest and apologize for not being here more. I’ve done some good stuff in the interim and I’m planning something cool for the next month. Maybe event planning will be my calling? Who knows, but I’m having a pretty good time learning and working! That’s a petunia in this field of despair. 

Things will get better. I didn’t cry while writing this, so that’s a win. I claim every win I can. It’s working. Go me!

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lookfabuless

Charleston born | Smith made | Lover of style | Writer of book

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