Hey y’all. I might bum you out for a bit, but I appreciate you indulging me. I’ve said it a million times, so you should know by now that I have anxiety and depression. I haven’t seen anyone or taken anything for it since high school. I’ve been maintaining for awhile and doing moderately okay. Except that one time in college where I had a full on break down and couldn’t stop crying. I talked to a counselor once, even though I should’ve gone multiple times, and was okay.
Sometimes, over the years, I’d have a hard time looking in the mirror without feeling sad but it never lasted long. Right now it’s hitting me that I spend a lot of time alone. Too much time alone with not so great thoughts really isn’t that good for you. Nothing dangerous like self harm, but, Bruh, I don’t really have any friends.
Who the heck can I depend on? Who calls me up and asks me to go places or do things? I try to be mindful that people have lives and things going on and try to give them the benefit of the doubt, but damn. I’m out here alone. Trying not to think about it, but thinking about it all the time. Trying to justify this lonely existence. It’s exhausting.
I’m an introvert and socializing is terrifying, so I find myself declining things because fear. I also settle because I work so hard for this one relationship that I don’t want to do it all again. I settle for people and situations because of fear. I’m also too trusting. I think that everyone is a mean-what-they-say person and I always end up wrong. So I find myself now being weary of every one. I expect rejection when I ask someone to do something because why would they want to hang out with me?
I always have to ask someone to do things. It’s never the other way around? Why? Why not? It’s me. It’s just the way it’s always been. I’m not good with conversation, especially with new people because I don’t word right. I spend so much time trying to think of what to say that when I try to say it, it always comes out wrong. It’s embarrassing. I hate repeating myself because I think I’m being made fun of.
This life is hard. I really don’t like talking to people…especially not on the phone. It’s just too much. I don’t know what to say. I hate when people read or hear about my feelings or this struggle and feel sorry for me. I really don’t want your pity, Bro. I’m a real person with real feelings and if you don’t have real friend type intentions, please don’t waste breath or key strokes with a fake pity invite for whatever.
I’m trying to find a psychiatrist, but my insurance network has given me a pool of the hardest to contact doctors ever. Maybe things will be better if I’m medicated and have no real consciousness of fear. I don’t know. I’m just tired of trying to figure it out on my own. I’m thinking of taking yoga to try and quiet the bad thoughts. Also buying stock in Kleenex, because. That was a complete sentence, by the way.
I’m tired, y’all.