Sike. Nobody asks me that.
Tomorrow is my birthday. I’m a real life woman in my mid-to-late thirties. I’m not sure when this happened, but my mind is blown. I’m an adult. Like, I feel like I should’ve done a lot more by now. This is wild. Aside from bills and a few gray hairs, I don’t feel like an adult. Not a mature one, anyway.
A few weeks ago I went to my gynecologist for my annual exam and I really like my gyno. She’s a bit of a talker, but she tells it like it is. She’s also married with five kids, so in pure medical and ‘girl, we’re cool, right,’ fashion we fell down the obvious rabbit hole.
“You thinking of having kids?”
Ma’am. I don’t know? Yes? No? It’d be nice to have ONE, but I honestly don’t know. Could we just talk about my period, please?!
“…oh, that’s just your body trying to get pregnant.”
LADY! Does my body know that it doesn’t work that way? How has it come to the conclusion that it’s either baby time or time to go Mommy Dearest all through Christina’s closet without me?! I’m not mature enough for this. I really feel like I’m just starting a semblance of a life and my time is winding up on a major life decision. How is that fair?
It’s not fair that women have to decide between careers and families. It’s not fair that I should have to decide to be the end all be all source of life for another living person when I don’t even have my stuff together. It’s not fair that men don’t have to have these conversations with their doctors or feel like they’re missing out on a major aspect of life just because they haven’t felt as if they’ve come into their own yet. This is stressful and anxiety inducing.
But I’m not going to let it get the best of me. I’ve sat and thought about the daughter I’d have. She’d be smart, love books and reading, beautiful, have awesome hair like mine, and of course she’d be a bit of a wise ass…like me. It’s become something that I would begin manifesting on instead of just day dreaming about it. I’ve planted the seed and now it’s watering time. And because I’m kind of immature, I only snickered at that last statement twice.
This really has led me to be more intentional in my thoughts and actions. Clear your mind, focus on the things you want to happen in your life, and start putting yourself in position to receive. I literally did this while I tried to go to sleep last night. If I want to be successful with my blogging and working on my sense of peace, then I need to be proactive in getting things done or working on mantras and hyping myself up to be my best self.
I’m really just figuring out how to adult healthily and happily. I’m impressed and baffled with myself all at the same time. Like, how are you just getting here?! Girl, where have you been? Clearly I’m just coming out of my shell because I sure know I wasn’t ready for this level of awareness ten or fifteen years ago. I’ve always had to bear responsibility and work hard, but I never realized that I had to apply these practices to myself.
I used to think that the practices of meditation and clearing bad energy and manifestation were nonsense. I was a fool. I’m all into this positive thinking, essential oil, crystal gem, flower power, peace, love, and soul lifestyle. But on a budget, though. Etsy has become my best friend for holistic finds. I started with sage and self love.
Burning things scares the life out of me, so sage has kept me on the fence BUT I found it in a spray form! To say I’ve been sage-ing for my life is an understatement. I’ve been giving my workplace the business with that spray on top of repeating mantras and focusing on staying positive and peaceful.
I also found this self love blend that I apply to my pressure points when I feel like I’m losing my sense of peace. I apply, take a deep breath, and repeat a reassuring mantra to myself before getting back to work. I’m just trying to do the best I can with what I’ve got and all I’ve got is me. That’s high key powerful. I’m starting to realize my power and learning how to not let other people control it.
I feel real deep! This is my mid-thirties, Boe. Anyone else as surprised as I am about this? Anyone? Just me? There’s only up from here and I’m hella excited about it! (Also, shop SelfGoddess for the products I talked about #NotSponsored)