#ArthurFist

What. A. Damn. Day.

I’m fresh off a new work week after being on hurrication for the past five and a half days and I’m feeling…I have no idea what I’m feeling. I knew that today would be extremely busy and that I would encounter some unpleasants and I was prepared for that. My day wasn’t a bad one, but the way my mind is set up…I’m disappointed in myself. Instead of seeing the possibility of positivity in a work situation, I immediately started thinking about what I’ve been doing wrong or could’ve done better in the first place.

I’m too hard on myself. This is a fact. I put pressure and an expectation on myself and when it appears as if I’m not doing well with meeting or exceeding those expectations I end up making myself sick because I hate to disappoint anyone. Even when I wasn’t doing well in college, my mama couldn’t be mad at me because I was too busy being mad at myself. Literally, while writing this, I feel sick to my stomach. I should be thinking about making more money but instead I’m worrying about possible job loss–bruh, why?!

(Actual footage of me realizing that I’m my own worst enemy)

Whew, Chile…the mental illness ghetto.

I took my meds this morning. I led my day with a positive outlook. One meeting at the end of the day and I’m fighting the urge to blow chunks. I didn’t do anything wrong–I honestly work extremely hard–but there’s a fear of failure that just popped its raggedy ass back up and threw my positive shit right out the window. I don’t know if I’m Troy yelling up at Robin’s balcony or Robin throwing lemons down at Troy. Google it. Maybe I’m the balcony wondering just how TF I ended up in this situation.

I don’t know.

I just know that I feel bad and I don’t want to feel this way any more. I fully intend to put some drops of Aura Cacia’s Chill Pill in my diffuser and make some Lemon Lavender Lane herbal tea and talk myself out of ordering dinner from Postmates or UberEats while I get in the mood for work and peopling tomorrow. I needed to write this to get these bad feelings out in the open and invite some restoration back in.

Tomorrow will be better. I will be better.

I am smart. I am strong. I have an abundance of patience. I lead with love. I can do anything because I serve a God that can do everything. I’ve got this because God’s got me.

Tomorrow will be better. I will be better.

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