the struggle: my bad

Hey y’all! Let’s get right to it, shall we? I haven’t blogged in awhile and you want to know why? Depression. It hit me like a ton of bricks awhile back. I was essentially just feeling down and the feeling really never went away. I kept wanting to write it out, but the feeling wouldn’t let me. It’s tough.

It makes me unproductive and my sadness goes through phases. There’ll be a little feeling of sadness that’s not too bad and then I could look in the mirror and see this awful acne that’s determined to ruin my grown person life and break down. The hardest, ugliest cry hit me over it one night while I was getting ready for bed.

Then anxiety and the depression decide to tag team and I’m crying myself to sleep because life thoughts are the worst. You’re not supposed to compare your life and what you’re going through to anyone else’s, but not when D&A team up. It just really sucks. I hate it. My doctor referred me to a therapist, but of course my insurance won’t exactly cover it. I was supposed to call, but work/procrastination/these feelings all got in the way.

I have to talk to someone and I hope to not need meds. Meds are the worst. I remember being on Paxil as a teenager and there were no good thoughts–especially when you miss a day or are trying to get off. The sickness was overwhelming. I don’t want meds, but they’re a thing that might help.

I don’t want to think about that. I wanted to get this off my chest and apologize for not being here more. I’ve done some good stuff in the interim and I’m planning something cool for the next month. Maybe event planning will be my calling? Who knows, but I’m having a pretty good time learning and working! That’s a petunia in this field of despair. 

Things will get better. I didn’t cry while writing this, so that’s a win. I claim every win I can. It’s working. Go me!

lifestyle changes

Hey y’all! Happy February! I’m taking a quick break in this looks for less week to just let you in on something I’ve been mulling over for awhile. Today is the first day of a lifestyle change that I hope to carry with me for the rest of my life.

Today I’m officially a dairy free pescatarian. I’ve been off beef (consciously) for maybe 2 years and I’m not a big poultry fan. The only meat I could eat constantly was pork. I’ve been watching my eating habits for awhile and decided that I wanted to cut meat from my diet. I also realized there was an option to keep seafood as a source of protein. I live in a port city. There’s seafood everywhere! This seems perfect for me.

I’ve gone back to meal planning and making sure I have enough good snacks to get me through the day. This first month might be mainly trial and error, but I’m determined to stick to it. I’m working on dealing with family and friends who probably won’t understand my dietary choices. I’m hoping for more support than criticism, but you can’t determine what people will say or think.

I’ve also started a board on Pinterest for pescatarian recipes and guides and you can feel free to follow and give me suggestions. Thanks so much for reading and giving any possible support!

a week of style and diversity in review

Hey y’all! Here’s a wrap up of this week on look fabuless: I was inspired by the Women’s Marches that took place all of the globe and I was frustrated by the ignorance of the current administration, so I let my creativity take control. I created looks that show not only the diversity in women, but the diversity of America. I played on phrases like “Average Joe” right on down to “Joe the Plumber” and made them feminine and fabulous.

I hope you enjoyed (and understood) the content this week!

Be on the look out for more great and hopefully thought provoking content to come 😊

the diversity of women and America 

Hey y’all! Here’s a heads up and a brief explanation of what’s to come this week on look fabuless:

I was inspired by the Women’s Marches that happened all across this country and essentially all across the world yesterday. There are some ridiculously terrible things happening with this new crew in the White House and in Congress and people are angry and speaking out.

First of all, keep your laws off my body. Second of all, keep your tiny hands off women’s vaginas. Third and finally, unless you have a uterus you can’t tell me what to do with mine.

What I’m doing this week is giving style inspiration based on typical assertions of Americans and men. “Average Joe,” “just a blue collar guy,” “Joe the Plumber,” “middle American,” and “regular Joe.” Americans come in all colors and have originated from many countries. We’re a friggin melting pot! We’ve got names as simple as Mary and as unique as Quvenzhané. Women work a variety of jobs from stay at home moms to construction worker to engineers at NASA.

What you’ll see is my spin, my take on diversity. This is how I’m choosing to use my voice. You don’t know what the person in that outfit does for a living, where they’re from, or who they are. I’m celebrating the fabulousness in each and every one. 

I hope you enjoy my creations and my choice of celebration.

(featured image courtesy of Women’s Voices for Change)

#thestruggle: letting go

Hey y’all! Lately I’ve had this song, “No Letting Go” by Wayne Wonder stuck in my head. Not sure why, other than the fact that it’s an awesome song. It’s also ironic because I’ve had to let go of a relationship, recently. To be honest with you, it’s scared me beyond belief and I’m not so sure how long it’s going to take me to get over it.

Imagine giving 3 years of your life to a relationship–whether it be personal (friendship or romantic) or professional and just having to make the adult decision to end it. It’s downright frightening. At the end of February of 2016 I left I job I’d been at for 5 years and honestly, the only thing keeping me there was the ability to pay my bills. I hated that job, but I worried about how I’d pay my bills. I finally let go and ventured into new territories. 

Now imagine how I’d feel giving up a personal relationship. Anxiety is my middle name, but I thought to myself: maybe you’re blocking yourself from what could be by holding on to what’s never going to be. I decided to let go and it felt like I couldn’t breathe, but I kept telling myself that the right thing would come along this year. I’m praying and hoping that it manifests, even though there are times when I want to change my mind, apologize, and go back to what was. 

After letting go, my over thinking brain wouldn’t let me get peace. It’d be fine one day and the next I’d be fighting tears. Being steadfast on a decision has never been this hard for me, but I have to find my strength. Even writing this brings me to tears, but I figure they’re cleaning tears. Things will work out in my favor. I have to quiet the anxiety and focus on my future. Sometimes what you want isn’t what’s best for you and you have to accept that. 

The struggle is absolutely real. I found this quote online and trying to find comfort in it:

I’m making my way through the process. If you’re going through something similar, please know that you’re entitled to feel what you feel–whether it’s freedom or selfishness or anything in between. “The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain,” says Dolly Parton (who is amazing, btw). This is your rain. Your rainbow will be here soon.

Lastly, I’ll leave you with the video for Wayne Wonder’s “No Letting Go.” I’ll feel that way about my memories and I’ll get to my happy again soon enough.