the struggle: my bad

Hey y’all! Let’s get right to it, shall we? I haven’t blogged in awhile and you want to know why? Depression. It hit me like a ton of bricks awhile back. I was essentially just feeling down and the feeling really never went away. I kept wanting to write it out, but the feeling wouldn’t let me. It’s tough.

It makes me unproductive and my sadness goes through phases. There’ll be a little feeling of sadness that’s not too bad and then I could look in the mirror and see this awful acne that’s determined to ruin my grown person life and break down. The hardest, ugliest cry hit me over it one night while I was getting ready for bed.

Then anxiety and the depression decide to tag team and I’m crying myself to sleep because life thoughts are the worst. You’re not supposed to compare your life and what you’re going through to anyone else’s, but not when D&A team up. It just really sucks. I hate it. My doctor referred me to a therapist, but of course my insurance won’t exactly cover it. I was supposed to call, but work/procrastination/these feelings all got in the way.

I have to talk to someone and I hope to not need meds. Meds are the worst. I remember being on Paxil as a teenager and there were no good thoughts–especially when you miss a day or are trying to get off. The sickness was overwhelming. I don’t want meds, but they’re a thing that might help.

I don’t want to think about that. I wanted to get this off my chest and apologize for not being here more. I’ve done some good stuff in the interim and I’m planning something cool for the next month. Maybe event planning will be my calling? Who knows, but I’m having a pretty good time learning and working! That’s a petunia in this field of despair. 

Things will get better. I didn’t cry while writing this, so that’s a win. I claim every win I can. It’s working. Go me!

#thestruggle: the basics

Have you ever had a hard time getting out of bed in the morning? Not completely because you’re tired, but because the will just isn’t there? You get up every morning out of obligation because…well, because bills; but, on your weekends or off days you just can’t find your way out of bed. It’s comforting and familiar and a way to escape reality. This is my struggle.

I have bouts of depression and I have anxiety and I’m an introvert and because it costs monies that I don’t have to talk to a professional, I’ll just let it out here. For free. I’m a lifestyle blogger and this is a part of life that many people deal with, but probably don’t know how. I’m here to share.

I, proud introvert, take solace in alone time to reenergize my battery; though, I can also do this with a person who I feel extremely comfortable with. I give so much of my energy getting myself through my work days and weeks that when the weekend comes I just don’t want to do anything. I feel like when I get up in the morning I’m one whole person, but going to work and interacting with people finds me coming home feeling like swiss cheese. The only way I feel fills those holes is to come home, get in bed, and just be alone. I watch tv, I lurk social media, and become whole again.

This is my norm. But I know it’s hindered me in many different areas of life. I’m single, I’m not so good with social interactions, I overthink, I’m generally afraid, and other things. But that’s the point of opening up here. Maybe I can help someone and someone can help me to overcome these things. This isn’t a pity party. This is me opening up and declaring this my safe space to be honest and clear my head.

thestruggle

This is called #thestruggle and it’ll hopefully change my life…any maybe even yours.

Thank you.

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